Will the ocean ever spill out of the earth and flow into space? Maybe if gravity decides to work reversely, that phenomenon could take place.

This feeling is like the ocean. It stays intact in my heart (just as the ocean is intact with the earth) unless an exceptionally unparalleled sensation happens. It would take a reversal of gravitational force to bring us together. That fact, I know.

I wish I never met you at all, I sometimes think. Then I start to think of the most profound moments of my life — I realize that most of them were spent talking with you. And so I thank God for sending you to me, instead. I slap myself and think how I could ever have wished of not meeting you when you were always the sweetest blessing God ever bestowed on me.

I would love to think it was I whom you regard to as your sunshine or..or..your reason..or your life..or whatever it is you deem her to be. Yes, indeed, I would love to think that everything were easier. At first, I think of it as a possibility. And then after the stinky reality fumes its stench, I just can’t help it I cover my nose and give up hope, instead.

Then again, I always believe there’s a reason for everything. There’s a reason why you’re there and I’m here. There’s a reason why the ocean must stay intact with the earth. There’s a reason why by some twist of fate, I came to that place where you and I met. And yes, there is a reason why this unsolicited euphoria came gushing to me.

What’s the damned reason, you might wonder. Heck! I even wish I could say only time could tell. For I believe not even time can tell why fate brought us both to that place. I’m grateful of its existence, though, whatever that reason is. The hurt and frustration associated with it doesn’t really matter. At least it doesn’t when I think of you and how phenomenal life has been ever since you first came. This euphoria, unsolicited as it may be, isn’t unwanted. That’s another fact that no matchless miracle could change.

Again I say, thank you for being a blessing.

It’s Saturday again. Time flies really fast. Before I knew it, the first third of the school year has come and gone. Whew! Yep, we’re at the dawn of midterms now. And that means more long weekends up ahead.

Take this weekend, for example. Dance practice. Conceptual framework for the research paper. Documents for the office. Data diagrams for DBMS(Database Management Systems subject). Coding practice(for System Programming subject). And a lot more.

So why am I here? Hmm..just trying to figure out which one to do first. And I thought that maybe after this blog entry, I’d have temporarily(if not permanently) gotten rid of the gibberish that’s been lurking in me these days. Poof! Gotta do just that.

Ciao for now. Y’all have a nice weekend ahead.

WARNING: LOTS OF BULL & THUDS ALONG THE WAY

Have you ever despised your heart for feeling something so wonderful? I have. Simply because it’s a feeling I shouldn’t feel. A feeling I don’t have the right to feel.

Have you ever felt so close to someone who was a million miles away, you simply wished he wasn’t there at all? But on second thought, you’d pray he was there to stay.

{I’m all knocked out on spending too much time thinking of you}

It was too early. Not for a single minute while I was on the way did I think of seeing you when I’d have gotten there. But you were. *thud* You were there. And I know you saw me. I felt your gaze burn right through my back. I just didn’t look. Though I have to say an enormous effort was what it took to do just that.

{Yesterday I was feeling safe, all I do today is trying to be brave}

I went to where I intended to go. Knowing deliberately you’d be showing up, I kept close watch. Close. But not close enough.

And so, you came. *thud thud* I caught a glimpse. You looked my way. I wondered why I saw a sort of expectant look in your eyes as you did. I didn’t smile. Didn’t even move a single muscle. I just looked. There was something about the way you looked when you held me at that brief stare. It was as if you were a little confused and doubtful on my being there. You didn’t expect me to be there, I know. But there are matters I attend to, you know. There are some things in my life which goes on not as how you think it does.

{…and your face is tattooed on my mind}

And then I was done with what I went there for. So I started my way out. I walked and walked. All the while thinking of that mysterious look in your eyes a moment ago. As I approached the area, you were there. I wasn’t able to help it. I jumped a little out of surprise at seeing you unexpectedly. Again. *thud*

I saw you before you me. For a millisecond, I looked. Then after a heartbeat, you looked. I was looking sideways, pretending to look at something else, aware that you were looking. I braced myself for a second *thud thud* and looked ahead and met your gaze…and then I melted. *thud thud*

Struggling to be composed, I looked straight at you. Masking my uneasiness with an expressionless and aloof guise. *thud thud thud*

{Tryin’ hard to control my heart, I walk over to where you are, eye to eye, we need no words at all}

I was moving closer. You simply stood there facing me. As I was close enough, that’s when I heard it. The sound of my name. Coming out from your mouth. *thud* Softly spoken. It felt like the sensation of water gushing through my face. You nodded and you said my name as if you didn’t know what else to say. So I asked you something about your day. You said, yes. A yes, coupled with that heartbreakingly wonderful smile. *thud thud thud thud*

Ahhh! I hated it, the way you said my name!

No, silly! I didn’t mean that. I loved the way you said my name. I only hate the fact that I had to hear it on a time like this — on a time when I’m on a skirmish with my heart trying to eradicate the feeling.

{And I can’t get you out of my dreams, now I know that you’re the dangerous kind}

This is just so crazy! I always believed that in order to runaway from something, you have to face it first so you could completely turn your back on it afterwards. But now look at me! I’ve been daringly facing this feeling for quite some time now and still it shows no sign of fading away. In fact, the more I face it, the more I believe it won’t go away at all.

Like I said, I’ve been on a skirmish with my heart trying to get this off my system. And the skrmish goes on for as long as the feeling resides in me. For as wonderful and sensational this feeling is, there’s only one place for it to go — out.

If it takes a hundred blog entries to stamp this feeling off, then I’d write a thousand. (Lol! Ahh, kapuya siguro uy! Very stinging to the eyes, very carpal-tunneling to the wrists. Haha!) Well, the point is, I would do whatever it takes to eradicate what needs to be wiped off my heart. When it’s wrong, it’s wrong. Even if it feels wonderful, it still is wrong. And it shouldn’t be there.

{You’re so close but still a world away}

P.S.
Don’t say I did’t warn yah.

I went through my preceding blog entries and noticed one thing — you. It’s been all about you these days. You making me nervous. You turning my world upside down. You reminding me of that agitating smile. And you making me act like a crazy fool. I was even melodramatically advised/reminded by a classmate, “Kat, laging tandaan…malapit lang ang mental(he meant the hospital). Wag mag-alala.” Wehehe! That was when he saw me doing something really alarming — biting my clear folder, that is. Naisip kasi kita. Medyo nanggigil nang kaunti. Eh, walang ibang naisip kagatin, kaya un. Lol! Sometimes, you just sort of feel certain things. And you can’t help but get all animated..and a little silly, too. Fairly predictable, I guess. *grin*

I wonder when this euphoria would dwindle. Hmm…

Anyway, enough has been said about you(for now, I guess). There are other things, much morereasonable, that’s been spinning ’round my mind lately. Like this paperback that I just finished reading entitled The Five People You Meet in Heaven. It’s a wonderful depiction of what’s in for us after earth. The title speaks for itself, the story actually talks about five people who we would meet in heaven, after our life on earth.

Mitch Albom, the author, has a truly vivid imagination. You all should read it. It makes you realize a lotta things about life on earth.

A certain quote found in the novel really tickled my fancy. It’s about anger and on how it could consume you. It goes — “Holding anger is poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”

This reminds me of what my Mom always tells me — to not hold grudges against anyone ever. She says it would always hinder you from getting to your dreams. It would always pose a barrier between you and happiness. I would always believe in that. I’ve seen people destroyed by anger and I never liked what I saw.

There were actually lots of lines in the book which really got me to thinking. Too bad I can’t remember in which pages they were written. Anyway, if you see this Albom title by a near library or by a friend’s ownership, don’t fail to borrow it. The little time you’d use for reading this novel would be time well-spent.

I was reading stuff. And there you were…playing Einstein, scrutinizing me like an experimental thingamajig inside a jar. Waaaah! I couldn’t make sense of what I my eyes were reading while you were there.

Huhuhu! This is crazy. And this is not(not even in the slightest sense) a good sign! I’m all thumbs around you. My knees feel like water. My hands break out in cold sweat. Or warm sweat. Heck, I don’t really know the sweat’s temperature, to be honest!

It’s just that eveytime you’re near, and everytime we speak, I feel as though I’ve teleported somewhere near Everest’s summit — where the air’s thin and it’s hard to breathe! Poof!

Tell me, then, what’s with you that magnetizes me like a nega pole does a positive, huh? (Boy, why am I still asking?)

Hahay. I’m just ranting this all out, ya know, just to get this sting outta my chest. For in front of you and everyone else, I can’t really let those emotions carry me away. I can’t let myself be too vulnerable as to actually bring the uneasiness out into the open. As a matter of fact, I sham it by striving(with a capital S) to be reeeeally composed when you’re there, holding me in that wonderfully unnerving stare. Wahehe!

A friend says I’m doing good, so far. Even says I could be next in line to Reese Witherspoon in the Oscars. Lol! That friend constantly teases me — Hala sige, gyud!!! Pugngi gyud!!!
Hahaha! I choke her each time. But at least her remark buoys me up. And I pray for sustainment of the Oscar-competent performance. Whew! Hanggang san kaya kakayanin ng powers ko. Lol!

Ciao for now, dear fwends. I beg you to please help me pray that I get that Oscar. Hihihi!

In this cruel world where life is nothing but a wounding sword, love is hailed. It sometimes comes as the shield…and at most times, as the sedative that eases the pain.

Ever since time immemorial, it has been ratified by almost all creatures that love is indeed the most consequential force that could ever exist in any universe. Nothing moves anyone like love does.

The poorest. The richest. The most powerful. The most ineffectual. The nobles. The slaves. No one is spared from being whacked with this feeling. It is the essence of living. The reason for being.

The world may wound the earth with wars. A superior may slice a subordinate’s integrity with intimidations. An enemy may stab a foe with torment. But love…love will always come to the rescue.

Thank you. For being the shield. For being the sedative. Even as you’re oblivious to all of this, thank you. For being you.

[read at your own risk]

[You've always had this aura of magnetism that never fails to unnerve me at times.]

You towered over me. I felt it even as I was looking down. I started to wonder why. I fought the urge to look up. I lost.

A half a heartbeat later, I found myself staring at your gentle eyes. And found them staring back at me. So gentle, your eyes. And so full of enigma. A conondrum I’m never bound to uncover.

Time froze as we stared for a snap of a second. I thought I felt something coming out of my chest when I realized it was only my heart. Not really coming out, but beating so loudly, I doubted if you didn’t actually hear it.

Again, I struggled. Struggled with the one word that was trapped in my head, willing to come out by any means. And so between those seconds, as I stared at you in question and awe, I strived to disguise the intensity knotted in my throat with a questioning smile. And then I uttered the question softly — what? But you only smiled. Smiled with that knowing look in your eyes. (Or was it something else that I just missed?) You smiled, and then turned your back and walked away.

It was a question, unanswered. But then, never did I expect an answer from you, in the first place. Not during those flabbergasting seconds. Not today. …

Today…

Today, I longed to see you. I didn’t care if you’d see me, or not. I just wanted to have a look at you. Period. Glad to say, my plea was heard…and my plea was answered, with a plus, even.

I knew you were there. Didn’t have to look straight at your direction to know so. He looked this way, a friend said. He did?, I almost retortedly asked. We should get outta here, I said. We were about to do just that when I turned around and found myself facing you. I waived. Smiled. You didn’t smile back. With a nod and a wave of your hand, you motioned me silently…come. I stared. That thing in my chest starting to pound crazily once again. And then I raised my brows to a questioning height and pointed to myself…silently asking…me? And then you bobbed your head in affirmation. With that feeling of something coming out of my chest overwhelming me again, I thought…Why me? Oh, boy! What the heck is this all about? Could he have thought…?

[It's always a struggle to be composed when you're around.]

And so there I was, walking towards you with you meeting me halfway. I tried to mask the inner stir up caused by the familiar lurching of my heart as I walked towards you and smiled and asked…what’s up? Then you answered. Not the dreaded answer, gratefully! Whew! Kulbaa, uy! Abi nakog unsa!(Whew! Kinabahan ako! ‘Kala ko kung ano na!) I never thought I had said those words aloud. At least not until a millisecond later when my heartbeat started to slow back to its normal pace. But then you smiled and then it went wild again! Damn, that smile breathtakingly carries me away!

Beeeep. I thought, I heard. Beep Beep. A little louder now. Beep beep beep beep beep! What the?! Beep beep beep beep. What is that freakin’ noise?!

A second later, I got my answer…when I opened my eyes and woke up from the dream which seemed so real. (And my phone still beepin’ its ring of wake-up call for me)

I woke up with the memory of you smiling at me in that dream. But then, that smile doesn’t belong to me. Never will it belong to me. And so, in the deepest part of my soul, this knot, I’d keep. Time may be the only remedy to this predicament. The one element who has got power to drive this unsolicited gush into the void. And so, time…hurry up and do away with this uninvited sensation. Before I come past the point of no return.

What makes you think you could just stick your oar into my life right now, huh?! Just like that? I mean, after what you’ve done? And after what you haven’t done? Pirti! Kavaga gud nimog fesh!
(Ha! You sure have got a lotta balls!)

Boy, sometimes, some guys are just too big for their britches. So full of themselves, that they tend to be a tad too unfeeling of phenomena around them. You know…those wannabe machos who actually think they could have anything they want in just a snap of their fingers or a wave of their so-called wands of charm. Kafal muks jud! Lami tuk-on! (Kapal mukha! Sarap sakalin!)

Well just so you’d know, ondoy…some chances in this life don’t knock as often as you’d want them to. Some chances may come as rarely does Halley’s comet. And if you don’t grasp them as they hover on top of your palm, they may fly to space and never come again.

You don’t sit there and watch life morph from a worm, to a cocoon, to a butterfly. Life is not a movie for you to watch. It’s a plant that’s for you to water and nourish.

Arong masayod ka dong(Just so you know), I’m a heartbreak more astute now. God was so good to let you break into my world — cause He gave me a reason to be stronger and an aiming heart to stick to what I believed was right. I always knew trials were like tunnels, each with bright light at its end.

Mountains have been built, you know. And those mountains, you’d have to move so you could get anywhere near the core. Pagpuyo nalang dha! Wala kay laing trip? Pag hithit ug katol. Pag daro sa bukid. Pag salum-salum sa Pasig. Bahala ka, wa koy labot. Basta kay ayaw na magsamok-samok, ha? Kay gikapoy nako! Basi himuon pa nuon tikag baki karon!
(Just stop foolin’ around! You ain’t got nothing else to do? Manigarilyo ka ng katol. Plow a field. Languyin mo Pasig river. It’s up to you. I don’t give a damn! I’m sick and tired! Just stop trippin’. Don’t let me turn you into a freakin’ frog! )

But in all fairness to you naman, you deep-seatedly shaped my heart into something much stronger than it was before you happened. Salamat. Hehe!

p.s.
Hay, nakapahungaw ra jud! Ganiha pa kong buntag kayawyawun. Wahihi!
(Relieved and sated.)

My weekend started as early as 8:30 a.m. today. That’s because I’ve got my Fridays nice and light, having only 3 subjects for the day. Today was even made lighter by my fellow studes in the 4th year. They’ve got our 2 other instructors all hooked up as panelists for their first round of project defense. So my school week ended a tad early.

However, unlike any of the previous weekends I’ve had since the school year’s opening, this time won’t be for unwinding. Prelim exams are coming up. Projects are due. There’s definitely a lotta stuff to keep me occupied this weekend.

As a matter of fact, the fact of the matter is that I’m trying to figure out which ones I’d attend to right now. I spent the whole day in school today, despite of my not having any classes. I had to browse through documents of this certain org I’m said to spearhead. Though legalities of the appointment are still in the process, my adviser says I should start getting myself staunchly acquainted with the undertaking ahead. And I totally agree with her. I’m barely seasoned and it makes the challenge of responsibility twice as challenging. I constantly pray for God’s guidance as I face this.

Aside from arranging and going through stuff in the office, I also got the chance to finish a requirement for one of my minor subjects. A writing, to be passed next week during the subject’s exam day. I’m glad it’s done and that my list of do’s has somehow reduced(somehow).

There’s still a lot to do, though. And like I said, I’m right now trying to get the feel of which one I’d prefer to do first. Research paper intro, C# system, DBMS diagrams, 6 or so subjects to study for exams, plus, I gotta reformat my HD coz it’s starting to show signs that it’ll be driving me nuts in the very near future. Whew! EeeeeeeeZ now.

Gotta go now. Have to think it out. Ciao!

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an out-of-the-title’s-bounds p.s.

Sometimes, no matter how you strongly believe you could hold on, you just run out of reasons to fight. And then there comes the stench of truth…it’s just too damned rancid, you can’t cover your nose hard enough to avoid it!

Every piece of art has a story behind it. Let that piece be a painting, a song, a poem, or a dance, it comes from and tells of a story that is — the artist, its creator’s experience.

We can think of art as an expression of man’s experiences. It could be his feelings, his thoughts, and his environment. It is through these that man is stirred to create art. Through these, man regenerates thoughts and ideas which would therefore become means to a more aesthetic and marvelous end — a piece of art.

At most times, artists feel relieved as they finish a piece. It’s as though they are being lightened, if not totally divested of their life’s burdens as they create art. I see this as the power of art to connect man with his experiences. And that connection eventually reaches out to others with similar experiences to that of the artist’s. If a man of art is able to share to the world a little of his anxieties through sending a message by means of art, then the world’s weight won’t be for him and him alone to carry. After all, man can’t be complete without relating to others. And art is one beautiful way of man’s sharing and relating to others.

Some works of art have the power to incite extreme emotions from its recipients. It’s because this particular group of captivated recipients could intensely relate to the message that the art’s creator tries to appealingly convey. A brokenhearted cries over a ballad. An ecstatic gleefully moves in time with a pop. I sometimes read a poem and feel as though I were reading my brain’s undelivered rants. Artists sway their audience through the message they so strikingly relay in their art.

Thoughts, feelings, the environment, or more collectively…experiences. This is the root of art. For although we say that nature is the Arts’ derivation, still, it is man’s experience of nature that channels the former to the latter. Artists help substantiate the beauty of nature and everything associated with it by their works of art.

An artist, therefore, is nature’s messenger. And his work of art — the message.

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Something for my Intro to Humanities subject.