WARNING: LOTS OF BULL & THUDS ALONG THE WAY

Have you ever despised your heart for feeling something so wonderful? I have. Simply because it’s a feeling I shouldn’t feel. A feeling I don’t have the right to feel.

Have you ever felt so close to someone who was a million miles away, you simply wished he wasn’t there at all? But on second thought, you’d pray he was there to stay.

{I’m all knocked out on spending too much time thinking of you}

It was too early. Not for a single minute while I was on the way did I think of seeing you when I’d have gotten there. But you were. *thud* You were there. And I know you saw me. I felt your gaze burn right through my back. I just didn’t look. Though I have to say an enormous effort was what it took to do just that.

{Yesterday I was feeling safe, all I do today is trying to be brave}

I went to where I intended to go. Knowing deliberately you’d be showing up, I kept close watch. Close. But not close enough.

And so, you came. *thud thud* I caught a glimpse. You looked my way. I wondered why I saw a sort of expectant look in your eyes as you did. I didn’t smile. Didn’t even move a single muscle. I just looked. There was something about the way you looked when you held me at that brief stare. It was as if you were a little confused and doubtful on my being there. You didn’t expect me to be there, I know. But there are matters I attend to, you know. There are some things in my life which goes on not as how you think it does.

{…and your face is tattooed on my mind}

And then I was done with what I went there for. So I started my way out. I walked and walked. All the while thinking of that mysterious look in your eyes a moment ago. As I approached the area, you were there. I wasn’t able to help it. I jumped a little out of surprise at seeing you unexpectedly. Again. *thud*

I saw you before you me. For a millisecond, I looked. Then after a heartbeat, you looked. I was looking sideways, pretending to look at something else, aware that you were looking. I braced myself for a second *thud thud* and looked ahead and met your gaze…and then I melted. *thud thud*

Struggling to be composed, I looked straight at you. Masking my uneasiness with an expressionless and aloof guise. *thud thud thud*

{Tryin’ hard to control my heart, I walk over to where you are, eye to eye, we need no words at all}

I was moving closer. You simply stood there facing me. As I was close enough, that’s when I heard it. The sound of my name. Coming out from your mouth. *thud* Softly spoken. It felt like the sensation of water gushing through my face. You nodded and you said my name as if you didn’t know what else to say. So I asked you something about your day. You said, yes. A yes, coupled with that heartbreakingly wonderful smile. *thud thud thud thud*

Ahhh! I hated it, the way you said my name!

No, silly! I didn’t mean that. I loved the way you said my name. I only hate the fact that I had to hear it on a time like this — on a time when I’m on a skirmish with my heart trying to eradicate the feeling.

{And I can’t get you out of my dreams, now I know that you’re the dangerous kind}

This is just so crazy! I always believed that in order to runaway from something, you have to face it first so you could completely turn your back on it afterwards. But now look at me! I’ve been daringly facing this feeling for quite some time now and still it shows no sign of fading away. In fact, the more I face it, the more I believe it won’t go away at all.

Like I said, I’ve been on a skirmish with my heart trying to get this off my system. And the skrmish goes on for as long as the feeling resides in me. For as wonderful and sensational this feeling is, there’s only one place for it to go — out.

If it takes a hundred blog entries to stamp this feeling off, then I’d write a thousand. (Lol! Ahh, kapuya siguro uy! Very stinging to the eyes, very carpal-tunneling to the wrists. Haha!) Well, the point is, I would do whatever it takes to eradicate what needs to be wiped off my heart. When it’s wrong, it’s wrong. Even if it feels wonderful, it still is wrong. And it shouldn’t be there.

{You’re so close but still a world away}

P.S.
Don’t say I did’t warn yah.